Unintentional Occlumency
by slayer of the wind
Summary: With the last minute drop out from Beauboxtons, Dumbledore found a 'school' that can take its place in the tournament. How was he to know that it wasn't a school in the first place, or that they could only dispatch one underage member for the tournament? Or should I say a one year long mission to investigate witches and wizards. Fem!Naruto Narutox? Crack!Fic Ages are shifted


**I have been ignoring my other stories, and for that, I apologies. I have been swamped with all sorts of stuff lately, but I will be updating most of my stories this week and the next. This was one of the winners for the summary votes on my other story, You Look More Like a Puff Ball Than a Dragon.**

**I took a long time to really think this one through in order to avoid any major plot holes. I really hate it when a crossover doesn't really make things line up properly, and I try really hard to make mine match.**

**Enjoy~!**

* * *

Tsunade violently smacked her head against the table as Naruto continued to ramble on.

_Smack._

Three hours.

_Smack._

Tsunade had been sitting there.

Waiting for the blonde to shut up so that Tsunade could give Naruto her mission.

But no, Naruto had thought it best to explain why the fifth should never interrupt her 'Ramen and Me' time, as Naruto had so fondly called it.

_Smack._

Apparently, that takes three hours.

_Smack._

Naruto paused her speech to take a breath. The blonde's eyes fell on the crumpled form of Tsunade over her desk, which looked like it was about to crack from the force of the head slams. There was already a large crack running though the wood.

"'Ttatlebane? Baa-chan? Does your head have an itch or something? Then why aren't you using your hands?" Naruto's eyes widened comically. "Can you not feel your arms or something!? GAHH! What do I do? I'm not a medic, 'bane!" Naruto wailed as she flailed her arms.

_Smack._

"Tsunade-sama," Shizune called politely as she opened the door, her eyes glued to the stack of papers in hand. "some more paperwork just came in. It says something about-" Shizune was interrupted abruptly by the frantic protégé.

"SHIZUNE! BAA-CHAN'S ARMS AREN'T WORKING, DATTLEBANE!" Naruto grasped Shizune's shoulders, despite being an inch or two shorter than the black haired medic, and shook Shizune back and fourth, causing the paperwork in Shizune's hands to scatter and fall to the floor. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?!"

The anger mark on Shizune's head had been mysteriously growing bigger all the while.

"NARUTO!"

* * *

Shizune had taken care of Tsunade's problems with a couple cups of Sake. Naruto had been so relieved that Tsunade's arms had been 'fixed' by 'the great and powerful Shizune-sama', that she had forgiven Tsunade for calling her to the Hokage's office during her 'Ramen and Me' time.

"Naruto," Tsunade started, a Sake glass rested comfortably in the Hokage's hand. "I have a mission for you." just at the mention of the word 'mission' Naruto's whole face brightened.

Because of the Fourth Great Shinobi War, Naruto had never had the chance to advance her ranking from Gennin, but when the war ended, Tsunade had made her first course of action to promote Naruto to Jonin and announce her as the Sixth Hokage in training. Naruto had been thrilled.

About two months after being promoted to Jonin, Naruto had been recruited into ANBU by Anko, claiming that the energetic blonde was just what the Infiltration and Demolition division needed. The ANBU test had been surprisingly easy for Naruto. This was no surprise to the ANBU heads, considering that she was able to prank the ANBU headquarters constantly since age five, in bright 'kill me' orange, and never get caught.

Naruto had taken up her mother's old fox ANBU mask, along with the code name Kitsune. As she started her ANBU career, Naruto had finally figured out what Deidara meant, explosives are really, really fun~! Using her knowledge as a seals master, Naruto had made it her personal goal to create as many original explosives as possible.

She also spent a lot of her time figuring out new pranks, which she had fondly taken to testing on the Torture and Interrogation division. At the time, no one knew who was pulling them. She, along with Anko always got a kick out of a prisoner's reaction to a random prank sprung in the middle of an interrogation.

When Anko found out who was causing the pranks, it was the start of a beautiful friendship, which incidentally, made a lot of people fear the possibilities of the two working together.

Sadly for those people, that's exactly what happened. Anko had taken Naruto under her wing and the two had become and unstoppable team, with their near perfect teamwork in battle and almost identical eating habits.

Naruto LOVED her job, and she looked forward to blowing up things in the near future. She was only 15, she had a lot of explosions she had to plan for.

To prepare her for the position of Hokage, Tsunade had taken to sending Naruto on diplomatic missions on top of her usual ANBU duties. Naruto had to guess that this was one of them, considering that Tsunade had called for 'Naruto' and not 'Kitsune'.

"When I first got this mission request, I thought it was a joke or a mistake." Tsunade pulled out the scroll and started reading.

"Dear Headmistress Tsunade of Kohona Combat and Magic Academy," Tsunade read in a monotone voice. "the board of governs at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are pleased to inform you that your school has been invited to participate in the Triwizard Tournament which will be held at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please select some of your best students to send to Hogwarts, one of which will be chosen to participate in the tournament. The winner of the Triwizard Tournament will receive eternal glory and 1000 galleons. If you accept, please owl in your answer and a representative of the school will arrive to escort you." Tsunade paused and tilted the scroll down so that she could see Naruto clearly.

"There's a bunch of other crap too, but that's the basics of it." the fifth tossed the scroll down on to her desk and propped up her elbows, resting her chin on her hands.

"There's no such thing as Wizards and Witches, Baa-chan." Naruto said in confusion as she scratched her whisker marks.

"I thought so too. At first, I assumed it was one of your pranks." Naruto felt like she was hit with a brick.

"I would never, ever, pull something that, that" Naruto stuttered, trying to find the right word, "sloppy! 'ttlebane!" Tsunade chuckled.

"And that's exactly why I knew it wasn't a prank. You're the only one in this village, including the ANBU, who has enough guts to pull a prank on the Hokage, and like you said, you wouldn't do anything this simple and uncreative." Naruto's heart swelled in pride at the unintentional praise.

'_Baa-chan thinks my pranks are creative~! Dattlebane!'_

"So I took a look in the Hokage library. As it turns out, Hogwarts is an actual place, and magic is real." Naruto's jaw dropped. Tsunade ignored the girl, as she had been doing for several years, and walked over to a map of the Shinobi Nations that was displayed on the wall. Tsunade pointed to the border of the Shinobi Nations.

"This border marks the edge of the total territory explored by any Shinobi. No one has ever ventured out of it because of the vast oceans that surround us on every side." Tsnuade dragged her hand off the map and across the wall. She stopped once her hand was a good distance away from the map. "This, is about where a land called England is. Hogwarts is in England, and according to the previous Hokages, magic does exist." Tsunade removed her hand from the wall and sat back down at her desk.

"So am I going to go do diplomatic work with wizards, 'bane? Is that the mission?" Naruto asked.

"That's part of it. I do want you to establish good relations with the wizards by participating in this tournament, but I also want you to use you skill set to infiltrate the magical system or what ever they have, and get as much as you can on them. We need to know if they could be a threat in the future, and exactly what they are capable of." Tsunade said, her tone void of any emotion.

Naruto's face was now serious. This would normally be a ANBU mission for Kitsune, but because of the factor of the tournament, Naruto would have to attend as herself and not Kitsune. Naruto slipped into ANBU mode. "I understand, Hokage-sama." Tsunade's expression softened.

_'She's matured so much,'_ Tsunade thought, completely disregarding the events that transpired an hour ago. Tsunade's eyes landed on the blue stone necklace around Naruto's neck. _'She's almost there.'_

"Good, the representative from the magic school will be here tomorrow. You have no alias for this mission, as we want to establish some sort of trust, so you will be going as Naruto Uzumaki. Be here tomorrow at noon with all of your things, dismissed."

Naruto saluted. "Hai, Baa-chan~! 'ttlebane"

* * *

Above all, Lucius Malfoy was a business man. He kept the noble Malfoy name alive and prosperous in the Wizarding world. The thing he was best at was establishing connections.

So when Dumbledore had informed the board of governors that Kohona Combat and Magic Academy had accepted their offer, but could only send one member to attend, and planed to send the student for an entire year at Hogwarts instead of arriving at the start of the tournament, Lucius had been the first to look into the advantages of this opportunity.

He wanted to be the first to make deals with Kohona because up until Dumbledore brought up the school, no one had herd of it.

Tomorrow, Dumbledore planed to pick up the student and Apperate him or her to Hogwarts. He needed Draco to befriend them.

Lucius began to think about what the student might be like. The letter said to send their best, so Lucius assumed they would be sending a boy. In his mind, boys are physically stronger, and this was a magic and _combat_ school. Lucius imagined the boy to have all muscle and no brains, making him easy to manipulate, which was great on his part. He made many other assumptions, but in Lucius's mind, his assumptions were logical.

He never once considered for a second that the student could be a short, air-headed, 15 year old blonde girl.

* * *

Naruto giddily bounced into the Hokage Tower the next day. It was exactly noon. Naruto had sealed all of her belongings into her coat- which was red with black flames licking at the bottom; she made sure to pack lots ramen. She was going to a place outside of the elemental nations, and if they didn't have ramen there… Naruto shook her head and shuddered. She didn't want to think like that.

"I'm here Baa-chan~!" Naruto slammed the door open. "Is the guy here yet?" Naruto asked eagerly. Tsunade stopped her conversation with the other person in the room to throw a bottle at the blonde.

"For the last time… I'M NOT THAT OLD, NARUTO!" Tsunade yelled, a vein was pulsing warningly on her forehead. The fifth cleared her through and turned her attention back to the other person in the room, bringing Naruto's gaze with her.

_'Shit, he's really old.'_

The man had a long white beard that seemed to free flow down his purple robes and half moon glasses. His hair sported the same color as his beard, and he wore a pointed hat.

"Eh, Baa-chan, why is this old guy wearing a night gown, 'ttlebane?" Naruto asked, tilting her head to the side.

"NARUTO!" this time, Naruto had to dodge a chair. "This is Professor Dumbledore, he will be taking you."

The man's eyes seemed to twinkle, and that really crept Naruto out. Was that some sort of intimidation jutsu? "Good afternoon, Ms. Uzumaki, as your headmistress said, my name is Professor Dumbledore."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'ttlebane~!" Naruto said with her usual foxy smirk. "How old are you? Because I bet you're older than Baa-chan here! And she's 56!"

Tsunade gripped the desk, restraining herself as much as she could to prevent herself from throwing something else at the bubbly demon container.

"Damn it, Naruto, I'm not OLD! Now shut the hell up, you damn brat before I throw you out the god damned window!" Tsunade said in a sickly sweet voice. Naruto shivered.

"Do you often swear at your students, Headmistress?" Dumbledore asked, his eye's never loosing their sparkle. Naruto slapped a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. Tsunade took a deep breath before looking Dumbledore in the eye.

"Yes." was the greatest medic in the Shinobi world's reply.

"Hey, Baa-chan, I guess the phrase 'maturity comes with age' doesn't apply to you~! If it did, you should be the most mature person in the world now!" Naruto exclaimed with a snicker. Tsunade threw a stack of her paperwork at the blonde. It's not like the paperwork mattered to her anyways.

"How will you be getting the brat to Hogshit?" the Hokage asked curiously.

"Hogwarts." Dumbledore corrected automatically. Naruto looked at the old man. After much consideration, she had decided that if one person could pull a night gown off, it would be him. Just like her with orange. With that one fact in mind, Naruto started developing some sort of respect for the Wizard before her.

Dumbledore reached into his pocket and pulled out a watch. His eye's widened slightly when he caught the time. "It looks like we will have to be going now. Do you have all of your things?"

"Yep~! I've got everything." Naruto gave a feral grin. Dumbledore held out his arm.

"Please grab my arm and I will apparate us to Hogwarts." reluctantly, Naruto grasped his arm. She felt a tugging sensation in her naval before everything spiraled out of control.

Naruto hated appa-whatsafloodle.

* * *

The moment Naruto and Dumbledore landed in his office, Naruto collapsed to her knees and emptied her stomach's contents onto the ground.

"Damn it, old man! Why the hell didn't you tell me that it was gonna make me sick?!" Naruto hissed as she slowly got off the floor.

Dumbledore didn't respond, and instead mumbled a quick spell to clean up the vomit then took a seat at his desk. She was back to normal after a few moments.

"Ms. Uzumaki, I wanted to inform you that it is a tradition for the visiting schools participating in the Triwizard tournament to make an entrance of some sort as a way of advertizing their school to the other participants." Dumbledore smiled slightly. "Keeping this in mind, I hope you understand that an entrance will be required." Naruto narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. "Durmstrang will be presenting before you."

_'Oh._' Naruto smirked. '_That sneaky little teme.'_ He was trying to get her to reveal the capabilities of her 'school'. It made sense; a new school that seemed to pop out of nowhere and said school teaches something that was unheard of in wizarding schools: combat.

It was reasonable, but she wouldn't reveal much.

Naruto shrugged her shoulders and smiled. "Dattlebane~! I'll make it huge! No one will ever forget it!"

"Perfect."

* * *

Naruto had thought about the entrance for a long time. She needed to show just enough of her skills to satisfy the old geezer and the other magical officials, but at the same time she wanted to keep a majority of her skills a secret given the parameters of the mission and the fact that this was a tournament. She didn't want her possible opponents to be able to work out a strategy against her. Also, she had no idea what these wizards were capable of.

Naruto had decided that she wouldn't do anything above low chunnin, which meant low ranked elemental jutsu, wall walking, basic kunai and shuriken, and academy style taijutsu.

She heard footsteps. Naruto slipped on her ANBU mask, a fox, and blended into the shadows. She watched as the Durmstang students lined up to enter the Great Hall. They were all easily 6 feet tall… and all guys. She assumed it was an all guy academy.

She snorted. Wizards must think women to be weak fickle little creatures, insisting on only training the men. That was like saying that Shinobi were better than Kunoichi, which was defiantly not true. It was common knowledge that Kunoichi were more deadly than Shinobi.

"-it is my great pleasure to welcome Durmstrang to Hogwarts."

They all filed in after Dumbledore's words and Naruto watched their performance that seemed to leave the Hogwarts students in awe. Naruto sweat dropped. All they did was play with some staffs that sparked and make a fire dragon. Perhaps she should tone her performance down?

She smirked and then crackled, channeling her inner Anko. _'Looks like I get to mess with some students~!' _Is this how Anko felt like before the second part of the chunnin exams? Naruto felt bad for calling Anko out on it so many times because she understood now what her purple haired buddy had felt. Keeping her dear friend in mind, she scrapped her previous entrance plan.

She did promise the old guy that she would do something no one would be able to forget, and she was sure that no one would be forgetting this.

"Now, I know that a lot of you were expecting Beauboxtons to be here, but they have withdrawn from the tournament due to the Headmistress' concern for the safety of her students." some of the students cried out in protest, mostly the boys, but that was to be expected. What teenage boy wouldn't want dozens of French girls running around school? "We have found a replacement school, Kohona Combat and Magic Academy, who were more than eager to participate." He paused to let the whispers set in.

"While you have been informed of the new age limit for entry, 17, Kohona Academy will be an exception to this rule." The students were in uproar once again, demanding why the rule would be bent for Kohona academy and not them. "Kohona Academy's age for legal adults is different than ours. They are considered adults from the second they graduate from the first level of the Accademy. This age is 12 and sometimes younger, as they are enrolled at age 5."

Dumbledore didn't wait this time, as he did not want to hear more protests. "In addition, they were not able to send a substantial amount of delegates. Instead, the Headmistress picked the strongest student in the Academy and sent her. Please welcome, the delegate from Kohona Combat and Magic Academy." The doors of the great hall swung open and a big spinning blur thing flew into the great hall and spun up to the staff table.

Two kunai shot from the blur and pinned a banner up from the ceiling. The swirling thing stopped spinning as the banner unfolded, revealing Naruto, her ANBU mask long gone.

The banner read _'Welcoming the unpredictable, crazy, and sexy, Naruto Uzumaki~!' _

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki, bitches~! And I'll beat all of your asses in this damn tournament, 'ttlebane!" Naruto announced haughtily while she struck her nice-guy pose and smiled her signature foxy grin. The population of wizards and witches blinked owlishly (no pun intended).

Standing next to Dumbledore was a blonde bombshell with long golden locks, whisker marks, azure eyes and an extremely developed chest. Her clothing consisted of an orange bra with a black mesh shirt, orange Shinobi pants that stopped at her mid thighs, and a red coat with black flames licking at the bottom. She had bandages tied around the lower part of her thighs and her weapon pouch, not that they knew what it was, was fastened around her right thigh. She proudly displayed her hite-ate (SP?) on her forehead. A giant scroll rested on her lower back.

"And I'm not leaving this damned school until I prank each and every one of you, 'bane! HAHAHAHAH~!" she laughed merrily. Her entrance had left the faculty stunned, a jealous female population, and an ecstatic male one.

Naruto was extremely satisfied with her presentation, and she hoped that if Anko was here to see this, she would be proud.

"That was a… unique introduction Ms. Uzumaki." Dumbledore said with slight hesitation. Naruto snickered under her breath. "If you wouldn't mind taking a seat over at the Gryffindor table." he gestured to the table covered in red and gold banners. Naruto shrugged her shoulders and made her way over to the table.

And at said table, a certain pair of twins couldn't keep matching grins off their faces.

* * *

**Ta-Dah~!**

**First chapter done~! Please tell me if you have any ideas for pairings for this story. I was considering pairing the twins with Naruto, but I haven't really decided as I do like a lot of other parings~!**

**~Slayerofthewind**


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